Monday, October 13, 2008

Weekend over

Not sure where it went... Got here and now its gone... Didnt do too much this weekend I had a photography gig today... Was an award ceremony... They had it in a church, crappy lighting... I am hoping he is happy with the pictures... Was cool to see pictures from all the games I was at this summer... Some were even on the awards given out... So it was nice, also nice to hear the people comment on them while they watched the slideshow...

By the time I got home though my mood was just blah... I couldnt find my card reader, things werent running right and other things happened and I was just in such a black depressed mood... I think its lifting finally, I hate feeling like that, like your sinking into the blackness... I just wanted to cry and couldnt ... I've been feeling very down on my self... Not sure where its coming from either... Hubby always tells me what a great wife and mom I am and I tell him I dont feel like I am... I wish I could figure out what brings this out I think maybe I am just too hard on myself... I just wanna be a good wife, mom, friend, person.... I know this swing started when I was looking at some reunion pics that i didnt go to but I saw a pic of a person I am not sure why I even called her a friend... I've had people in my life that have treated me like crap or where I have had to do all the work in the friendship, calling, making plans, etc... People that werent the greatest friends but I accepted them for who they were but it never was the same way back... If I did one thing out of place boy did I hear it... And I took it.. I havent spoken to one friend A in years and I am sure if i were to speak to her it would be all my fault... Last time I talked to her she was mean and nasty to me and I took it I even invited her to my wedding and she couldnt come... I decided that was the last time I would be hurt by her... Havent heard from her since... I just had my 5 year wedding anniversary... The other person J, not sure why I even tried to be her friend I think I was just someone to either introduce her to new people or as a last resort... But for the life of me I tried my hardest to have these people like me and I dont know why... They never accepted me for who I was... When I didnt feel good they would make fun of me... Years later I was diagnosed with migraines... Guess it wasnt all in my head... When they hurt I went running to make it all better... But it was never returned but maybe once by A.... How many times did I go running to her when her mother cut a new hole in her... I would just have to hear her cry into the phone and i knew what was up and I would tell her i'm on my way... I guess thats why I dont make friends easily now... I want people in my life that want me in theirs... And those are hard to find... My stepdad always said you are a lucky person if you have one good friend to go thru life with...

4 comments:

Jenger said...

I am so sorry to hear that you are in this sort of emotional pain. It is bad enough when family ties cause this sort of pain, but then the added outside pain is even worse. I am still here for you, just not on the puter as much as I used to be. XOXO

Draven said...

Thank you hon... I am here for you too, just not online as much either... I hope your doing good :) hugs

Hecate RavenMoon said...

Blessed be.

I hope everything will get better soon. In the meantime, I will light a special candle and say a special prayer for you and your family.

Joy said...

You so rock babe...there isn't a time we chat that I don't wish we were neighbors.

How much trouble would we be?

Call me if you need to babe, I'm here.